#11 - Costco (and #11a - Weekends at Costco)

The mega specialty store has become the new hub for buying variety-store-order sized bulk packages at reasonable prices.

Of course we all stock-pile thinking that we'll ration accordingly. Don't let this fool you: our internal discipline will play tricks once that Mega-Doritos pack is hiding up in your kitchen cupboard or bedside table.

11a) - 2 Words: Free samples.

#10 - Online Menus

The online menu isn't about being pro-active and efficient - because you know you're going to research and analyze all the options once you're there.

The convenience of e-menus is purely for the satisfaction of knowing what disgustingly decadent foods are out there, and having the ability to mass e-mail your friends about it and fantasize over what you would eat on IM.

Once Twitter catches on the wave of indulgence, we can call it a day.

#9 - The Dove Campaign

It all began with the internet phenomenon YouTube video. Now, it's a sensation. Who knew that in modern times you could be beautiful AND fat?

Just take a look at these women.






...made me buy the body wash....

#8 - Diet Coke

There's no better moment when you are at the movies, the lights have dimmed, trailers have started, and you've got your layered butter bucket of popcorn, hot dog, nachos (extra cheese), and box of Junior mints. You're going to be honest with yourself - you're feeling a little bit heifer-like, so what are you going to wash it down with? Well, the "no-calorie" equivalent to America's favorite soft drink! There's something that just makes everything feel balanced in the body and soul by drinking something "light and refreshing". Except that the health-crazed folk have exclaimed that it now increases obesity. Oh well, they say it's got no calories! It's a way of telling yourself it's ALL good...


...But in reality, they'll say they drink it because "they like the taste."

#7 - Sitcoms

Prime-time sitcoms have made the world a better place. When else could you sit down with your hungry man dinner and chortle at the big guy with the hot wife getting into mischievous situations that usually involve cheap jabs at his weight?

Life imitating art? I'll let you decide.

#6 - Taking the Stairs

There's a number of reasonings behind this one. Number one - Confidence. When someone asks if they want to hop on the elevator, there's no greater feeling then snidely looking someone in the face and saying "No thanks, I'll take the stairs." Number two - exercise. The doctor's been recommending that you get your heart rate up for 30 minutes a day. With a couple of steps, they breathing is so heavy it'll take a half hour to subside. And Number Three - now that you've "worked out", that means its time to go reward yourself and get your get your sufficient caloric intake with a milkshake.

#5 - Justifying garnishes as nutritional

Lettuce and Tomato on a Burger or Chives on a Loaded Baked Potato is nothing more than sarcasm, but that hasn't stopped people from telling themselves they can plow through a Super-Sized Whopper Meal because it contains all the major food groups.

#4 - Euphemisms

Because "Top-heavy", "Curvacious" and "Big-Boned"roll off the tongue much more smoothly.

#3 - Target

The marketing geniuses of mega-corp Target have hit the bullseye in terms of capturing all the needs of obese living. Lazy people, rejoice:

1) All Red Marketing: The color of hunger.
2) All-in-One Department Store Set-Up
3) Discount bulk pricing (w/in-house groceries)
4) A conveniently placed Starbuck's or Target-brand restaurant for your pre/post shopping break.
5) Little rascal scooters - complete with shopping buggies attached.
and most importantly...

7) It is Target policy that nobody will ever judge you based on your shopping sweats or the skid of Tang you bought for $39.99

#2 - Recliners

The wondrous living room accessory that folds out to save folks from having to exert any movement and move to a couch after they've just downed that 10-piece bucket.

It also allows the body to stretch and create more room for that second-wind (which is usually Ice Cream, coming soon to the list), while giving the airways space to ease fat breathing (also coming soon).

#1 - Ranch Dressing

The infamous dressing/dip created from the blend of fatty dairy products including buttermilk, mayo, and sour cream takes every strong smelling ingredient (like garlic and green onion) to create that epic taste.

Nowadays you will find this paired less with a green salad, but more with fried chicken, french fries, pizza, and hamburgers - or for that really stressful person - by itself.